This morning I came across an article [click here for it] where the executive mayor of Cape Town, Dan Plato is very concerned about the high concentration of gay people in the Gauteng area. His solution to this problem is to lure the gays to Cape Town to sort out the “uneven demographics.” He insists that this is purely a solution to a serious crisis and it has nothing to do with the local elections taking place in the near future. Also that it is a well-known fact that gay people tend to vote for the DA and Cape Town appreciates every additional DA vote they can get. But Oh No, Mr Plato is just so concerned about a tilting scale and cannot imagine Johannesburg having too many gay people. Having such high concentrations of gays might just hinder the balance and could possibly lead to the rest of the population being eaten alive by every hungry gay man they pass. I can just imagine it. It'll be like scenes from Zombieland with the Vodacom tower in the background and a bunch of well-groomed guys feasting on a young and innocent Afrikaans boy… turning him too! No sorry, I agree with Plato, send us all to the Cape. Now! The ramifications of too many gay men in Gauteng are just too horrific!
Now let’s be serious again, I am not as shocked that Plato thinks he could herd gay people like cattle to the Cape, but it is the way he’s herding us that is just so funny. If a gay couple would agree on moving to Cape Town he will offer to pay for their wedding (up to R80 000 nogal! Now that is A LOT of sequins and feathers). Also part of the benefits of moving to the Cape (as if not living there is beneficial enough) is free housing, free visits to your favourite salon/hairdresser and wait for it… free sushi. It is like they have tapped into the average homosexual’s mind and found all our weaknesses.
Now, for me this argument has three parts to it. Firstly: If they knew us gay men so well enough to offer us all the stereotypical things that make us so gay then they would have known that any gay man would just pick up and leave to go live in the Cape without any need for incentives. Cape Town is like the New York of South Africa and every newbie would give their left testy to move to the place where the grass is greener and where shallow sexual experiences await. Secondly: It is all a waist. Why waist all that money? There are people in our country with no transport (and it is a much bigger issue then you would think), no housing or food. Why feed the rich? And on top of that, why feed them sushi? And then why let them stay for free in ‘lanie’ areas like Camps Bay, Green Point and Clifton? Has Plato never driven past a shanty town where people build their shacks around a dead donkey’s carcass? They need the money and education more than the average smitten gay couple. Thirdly (This issue is very close to my heart): Mr Plato, why would you want to take away all the DA voters from Gauteng? You are already living the good life in the DA governed Western Cape, handing out free haircuts and sushi. Let us still have a glimmer of hope on this side of the continent. Do you want the ANC to rule forever and completely fuck us over? You sick sadist!
[SO AFTER POSTING THIS BLOG THEY REVEALED THAT THE ARTICLE IS ONLY AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE. THEY GOT ME GOOD. BUT IF THIS HAD TO BE TRUE: I MEANT EVERY WORD ABOVE! ;-)]