I have recently grasped that when it comes to my professional life, I am pretty fearless and hard-core. Just the other day I stormed into the SASCO offices demanding an interview after struggling for days to get a single quote for an article. You see, SASCO is very passionate for what they believe in, and I admire them for that but man! they are unprofessional. Anyway, after they tried one last attempt to bullshit me, I insisted that they arrange for their Chairperson to come in and talk to me. My persistence even surprised me. An hour later I walked out of the office, now friends with the Chairperson and just the right quotes I needed. You see, when it comes to politics, you need to be firm and fearless. Those guys will do anything to dodge us journalists.
But what I am trying to get to is that when it comes to my personal life, I am riddled with fear. I am actually quite embarrassed about it. When it comes to things in my life that are real I tend to squirm. I am terrified of rejection, pain and isolation. This then leads to me being insecure thus sprouting more fear. It is a vicious cycle, I am telling you.
I yearn: To be able to tell those I love how much they mean to me. But I am scared of being foolish; To tell that person that even though we agreed on having ‘no strings attached fun’ I now have feelings and wish I could rather walk away. But I am scared of being lonely; To let go of friends who instils more harm due to their superficial ways and insecurities. But I am afraid of seclusion; To let my former lover into my life again. But I am scared of humiliation because only he knows my ‘crazy.’ To apply for a job in my field. But I am scared they will tell me I am not talented enough to be what I have dreamt of being; And finally to be able to ask for something as simple as a number after an amazing date because I would love to get to know him better. But I am afraid of rejection. Deep down, I wish all of the above would sort themselves out, but alas, things don't always move in the direction I hope for.
All of these scenarios of me ending up looking like a coward makes me cringe. How can one person be so scared of such simple things? I should rather be living with my head buried in a hole. Now, I am totally blaming all of these insecurities on my age. I know there is this mass obsession with being young and how amazing it is. But the saying, ‘youth is wasted on the young’ is totally true. Us, the youth has this unnatural craving to fit in. This is why we spend so much time in gyms, at clubs, on social networks and class (I joke, I joke!). For me being young is probably my biggest vice. Don’t get me wrong, I am not wishing my youth away, I am just looking forward to my matured years where I am completely secure and I am scared of [almost] nothing and I will stop being such a ‘moffie.’