Saturday, September 18, 2010

Disintegration of my ego

So the last couple of weeks I’ve realized that future job opportunities wasn’t just going to fall into my lap. And I decided to finally bite the metaphorical bullet and recently started sending out a couple of my feature articles to various magazines and internet sites. Being the young and naive enthusiast I anxiously waited for their responses. And it was to no avail... Their reactions were much more honest than what I anticipated. This completely bruised my thin-skinned ego.
One magazine editor in particular smugly pointed out that my article was way too short for his magazine and that it was lacking depth. Thank you very much (insert sarcasm). These two frank comments would shatter my artistic essence which resulted in myself even doubting my ability to write an e-mail to friends, let alone a whole article!

You see, my self confidence tends to ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean (deep enough!?). My ever-so-sensitive ego has a tendency to feel whatever energy I’m fed from the outside world (Oooo, this ones nice!). No seriously, I remember last year I was working for a newspaper. It was an amazing experience. I felt so powerful with my newly gained status as a journo and the free stuff was nothing more than brilliant. After applying for an editors position and feeling confident about it, I was denied the opportunity. This completely shattered my self worth. I even protested one evening by getting drunk and taking part in many risky (but also very memorable) drunken, self pitying and rather vandalising activities (you don’t want to know). For months after the incident I pretended to not care but deep inside I had lost all faith in my abilities as a journo. Only now, almost a year after the whole debacle I fully understand how the person that was chosen was much more experienced than I would’ve ever been. It was a long road but I’ve grown from it. But will I ever grow from this editor’s shocking comments? It was only when two friends recently contacted me that I realised my uncreative streak would come to an abrupt end.

The first was Dolly. Now to all my English readers, I’ve previously blogged about Dolly and will most probably write about her in the future. She is an acquaintance who I met by chance in our first year at varsity. Since then I have randomly bumped into her on campus with frequent, but brief encounters. Recently, after knowing each other for more than three years, Dolly (who has proudly since become a very wise, and saucy mother) thought it well to take our friendship to another level. And boy am I happy! I received a call from her the other day wanting to know where I’ve been lately. She hasn’t seen me in my usual spot in the library and was worried. We briefly chatted and I told her about my bruised ego. Her response to my egotistical-white-bourgeois situation was to start gardening! And then her airtime ran out which left me nagging to a telephone dial. Despite the lack of creative effort to solve my problem, it is very comforting to know that someone, somewhere out there realised that I was absent. They even cared enough to use their last bit of airtime to call and make sure I was fine. What an amazing feeling!

The other was a friend who just knew how to boost my ego. My ex-flatmate and also best friend, Stephan just reminded me that even though I might not always feel it, I am in-deed a creative soul. You know, one of those who sips wine wile judgmentally comments on other’s writing. It may sometimes be a burdening to poses such talent but I will believe, that in time I will prevail (whoa, their goes my ego again!).

This was just a small reminder that life will sometimes get you down. Your ego will take a tumble from time-to-time. It is natural and even healthy. It doesn’t matter how hard you may take it (it is now obvious that I take it like a girl), you should always remember that there will be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You just need to remember what you are capable of to get there sooner. Good luck to everybody with this task.

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