Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My drome hou my kalm

My aande is resent oorweldig met salige drome. Vanaf my eie slaapkamer het ek onlangs die toekoms en menigte ander lande besoek. Ek kuier met bekendes en vriende wat ek jare laas gesien het. Elke aand is soos ʼn verassing en ek kan nie wag om my kop neer te lê op my kussing vir my volgende avontuur nie. Hierdie drome is helder en ure nadat ek wakker geword het onthou ek net meer en meer. Die mensdom analiseer hulle drome al vir eeue en ek self het dit begin doen. Waarom het ek hierdie skielike duidelike drome? En waarom onthou ek hulle so goed? Ek het sover tot die slotsom gekom dat dit my manier is van wegbreek van die realiteit van ons wêreld. My hele lewe is ek ʼn optimistiese siel (dus ook naïef) en het gedink die wêreld is net goed. Alles is swart en wit. Ek hoef net terug te sit en te geniet. Wat ʼn ontnugtering toe ek besef dit is nie die geval nie. Dit was ʼn bitter pil om te sluk toe ek besef die wêreld het baie gruis dele. Ek sukkel tot vandag toe nog om sekere goed op hierdie aarde te aanvaar. Ek besef nou eers op die ouderdom van 23 dat daar ongelooflike baie goed is wat my kan kwaad maak. Ek het ook dus besef my blog is ʼn heerlike manier om ontslae te raak van hierdie aggressie wat die wêreld en die mense daarop in my opwek. Ek gaan dus nou begin kla. So aan al my sensitiewe lesers, draai julle skerms. Ek gaan ʼn paar sake noem wat my bloeddruk die dak laat opstyg:

• Leuens. Hierdie saak maak my spesifiek woedend. Ek verstaan dat die moderne samelewing baie van jou vereis. Sosiale druk maak mense soms selfbewus oor jou eie sinnelose bestaan. Maar dit is geen, maar geen rede om ʼn leuen te vertel nie. Nie eers ʼn wit ene nie! Gebruik dit eerder as ʼn talent en skryf ʼn storieboek. Jy is daar geensins beperk om te lieg nie. Maar moet dit nie in jou alledaagse lewe gebruik nie. Wees opreg en trots oor jouself en wat jy tot dusver behaal het!
• Lui wees. Hierdie is ʼn spesie wat ons aarde besoedel. Ek kan dit nie verdra as mense hulle pligte oordra aan ander nie. Ons almal is op hierdie aarde gemaak om te doen wat jy moet doen. As jy dus jou verpligtinge oordra na ander veroorsaak jy dat die mense om jou tam en moedeloos raak. Hulle verwens jou ook in die geheim. So hou op om lui te wees en doen wat van jou verwag word.
• Ek het al vroeër my mening gelig oor hierdie saak maar ek sal net gou weer dit noem. Mense wat aanhoudend praat. Julle benadeel nie net julself nie maar ook almal wat vir julle moet luister. Praat, gee kans, haal asem (jy mag net dalk nog breinselle verloor met die tekort aan suurstof) en leer luister! Jy mag net dalk agterkom jy weet nie alles nie.
• Hierdie is baie gemik op die moderne generasie. Jou foon is vir jou persoonlike gebruik. Probeer asseblief om snaakse sms’ies (of e-possies), oulike prentjies en musiek vir jouself te hou. Ons almal het fone en het dit tien-teen-een al gesien of gehoor.
• Ek is nog nie klaar met hierdie saak nie. Hy gaan heelwat gepaard met my vorige een. Musiek... Dit is heerlik. Ons weet. Maar kies asseblief die tyd beter om dit te deel met iemand. Dit is glad nie lekker om by ʼn restaurant te sit en iemand pluk hulle foon uit om die nuutste treffer te deel met almal nie. Boonop sal hulle almal aan tafel laat stilbly sodat ons moet luister. Dit is ongeskik en net irriterend! Hou op.
• Laastens, en die Bybel stem selfs saam met my oor hierdie saak. Skinder. Dit is onaanvaarbaar. Ek kan vreeslike uitbrei oor die wat skinder. Maar al wat ek net gaan sê (vir nou), is dat dit nie op hierdie aardbol hoort nie. Niemand ken ʼn ander nie so hou jou mond oor hulle sake. Werk eerder aan jou eie tekortkominge.

Sjoe, wat ʼn mondvol! Dit voel soos ʼn berg van my skouers af. Ek dink die wêreld en sy mense het nog baie om te leer (ek insluitend!). Totdat ons van beter weet sal ek maar net aanhou slaap en droom van ʼn beter tyd en plek. Dit is ʼn lekker wegbreekkans vanaf ons absurde bestaan.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My teenage relief

Dawson’s Creek has always been a part of my life. I first started watching it while I was in High school and I have been a religious follower ever since. Yes, I know I’ve heard all of the jokes so spare me. While traveling Europe I came across this soppy teen box set. After watching the first season I made it my soul purpose to purchase every single season. And what a wonderful purchase it was. I watched season-after-season balling my eyes out (Jen’s death in the end gets to me every time!). I absolutely love the optimistic views to love, friendship and live. Ironically I’ve never been a big fan of the Dawson, Joe and Pacey triangle but I’ve always found myself identifying with Jack and Jen (I know big surprise!) So my recent visit home, after many dramatic changes in my life, I’ve once again grabbed at my six-box set with the hope to find some answers. Yes, I’ve actually joined a group on Facebook saying, ‘I believe all the answers in life lies in a Dawson’s Creek episode.” The last couple of days I’ve been stuck to my laptop’s screen pondering my own existence while… sobbing my eyes out (don’t judge!). I love it.

This teenage soppy series has encouraged me to share with you guys my 5 most inspiring quotes from Dawson’s Creek:

1.“I want you to love to the tips of your fingers and when you find that love wherever you find it, whoever you choose don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase it either. You just be patient and it will come to you…” (Jen)

2.“I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always going to be somebody's friend, or brother, or confidant, never quite somebody's everything.” (Jack)

3.“Well, it’s like a best friend, but more. It’s the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don’t make you a better person; you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soul mate is someone who you carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love that person. Nothing can ever change that." (Dawson) ***

4.“What's real -it terrifies all of us. If you think that anything of any value in this world comes at an easier price - you’re wrong.” (Jen)

5."I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean because it makes you dream.” (Jen)

I now leave you all with this thought, [he screams in a shrill but desperate voice] WHY DOES JEN HAVE TO DIE IN THE END!?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Maak jou ore oop!

Net ’n kort gedagte...

Aan al die wat on ophoudend praat. Die babbel-bekke van ons tyd. Julle besoedel ons kosbare aarde met julle sinnelose inligting. Om vir julle te luister is sieldodend. Julle is gans en al te gewoond om julle stemme te hoor eggo oor enige onderwerp wat bestaan. Julle neem selfsugtig die aandag wat beter benut kan word op ander dele van hierdie planeet. Deur om konstant te neul, preek of oordeel neem julle ook die kans om te leer van ander. Julle weet ongelukkig nie alles nie.

So ek vra net: Hou op! Bly stil! Leer luister. Om te luister is soms soveel meer verrykend.

Hierdie is op niemand spesifiek gemik nie maar as jy voel jy kan identifiseer met een van die bogenoemde, vat asseblief iets van hierdie stukkie.
Dit is al vir nou.

Disintegration of my ego

So the last couple of weeks I’ve realized that future job opportunities wasn’t just going to fall into my lap. And I decided to finally bite the metaphorical bullet and recently started sending out a couple of my feature articles to various magazines and internet sites. Being the young and naive enthusiast I anxiously waited for their responses. And it was to no avail... Their reactions were much more honest than what I anticipated. This completely bruised my thin-skinned ego.
One magazine editor in particular smugly pointed out that my article was way too short for his magazine and that it was lacking depth. Thank you very much (insert sarcasm). These two frank comments would shatter my artistic essence which resulted in myself even doubting my ability to write an e-mail to friends, let alone a whole article!

You see, my self confidence tends to ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean (deep enough!?). My ever-so-sensitive ego has a tendency to feel whatever energy I’m fed from the outside world (Oooo, this ones nice!). No seriously, I remember last year I was working for a newspaper. It was an amazing experience. I felt so powerful with my newly gained status as a journo and the free stuff was nothing more than brilliant. After applying for an editors position and feeling confident about it, I was denied the opportunity. This completely shattered my self worth. I even protested one evening by getting drunk and taking part in many risky (but also very memorable) drunken, self pitying and rather vandalising activities (you don’t want to know). For months after the incident I pretended to not care but deep inside I had lost all faith in my abilities as a journo. Only now, almost a year after the whole debacle I fully understand how the person that was chosen was much more experienced than I would’ve ever been. It was a long road but I’ve grown from it. But will I ever grow from this editor’s shocking comments? It was only when two friends recently contacted me that I realised my uncreative streak would come to an abrupt end.

The first was Dolly. Now to all my English readers, I’ve previously blogged about Dolly and will most probably write about her in the future. She is an acquaintance who I met by chance in our first year at varsity. Since then I have randomly bumped into her on campus with frequent, but brief encounters. Recently, after knowing each other for more than three years, Dolly (who has proudly since become a very wise, and saucy mother) thought it well to take our friendship to another level. And boy am I happy! I received a call from her the other day wanting to know where I’ve been lately. She hasn’t seen me in my usual spot in the library and was worried. We briefly chatted and I told her about my bruised ego. Her response to my egotistical-white-bourgeois situation was to start gardening! And then her airtime ran out which left me nagging to a telephone dial. Despite the lack of creative effort to solve my problem, it is very comforting to know that someone, somewhere out there realised that I was absent. They even cared enough to use their last bit of airtime to call and make sure I was fine. What an amazing feeling!

The other was a friend who just knew how to boost my ego. My ex-flatmate and also best friend, Stephan just reminded me that even though I might not always feel it, I am in-deed a creative soul. You know, one of those who sips wine wile judgmentally comments on other’s writing. It may sometimes be a burdening to poses such talent but I will believe, that in time I will prevail (whoa, their goes my ego again!).

This was just a small reminder that life will sometimes get you down. Your ego will take a tumble from time-to-time. It is natural and even healthy. It doesn’t matter how hard you may take it (it is now obvious that I take it like a girl), you should always remember that there will be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You just need to remember what you are capable of to get there sooner. Good luck to everybody with this task.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pussy Cats

Just like food and babies, I absolutely detest it when people post hundreds of dull photos of their animals on the net. And yes, even though this might be boring and even stereotypically gay to some, I am dedicating this post to my two cats, Chelsea-Grace & Bella. Deal with it Nanna! Its my blog and I believe you only live once, so embrace the gems that you have.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The ever looming relationship status

I anxiously log onto my profile. My time is finally here! I bid a last parting snarl to my ever looming ‘single’ status. My mind dwells from my profile for a second and I ponder: Am I too hasty? But, this feels right. He must be the one. We have so much in common. Is everyone going to think were moving too fast? To hell with what they think, I love him. Yes, I’m totally in love with him. It just feels right. This means it must be right. No, why am I even doubting myself? This is right! My focus draws back to my profile. I change my status. I am now officially in ‘a relationship.’ This is so exciting. I can’t wait for this journey to begin...

You see, after many years of reading about it, seeing it on television (I totally blame Grease for my warped expectations with love!) and I’ll even confess of daydreaming about it, I finally came across my first relationship. It started out much like many of those I fantasized about... It came unexpectedly. Spontaneity was very important to me. I never wanted to pursue my first love. I wanted it to come to me at the right time. And this time was around December. We met at a Christmas party. His confidence immediately caught my attention. After randomly talking I discovered we were from the same town. ‘Big deal’ you might think. But knowing how small and unknown this minute town was, you would’ve also been surprised to meet any other person from there. Not even to mention another gay chap. Pretty soon the flirting started and continued thru the evening. I played a little hard to get and he willingly humored it. I was smitten for his charm. We kept in touch after the party and started dating. After only a few dates we were both completely gaga about each other. I remember one evening in particular, after having dinner in Brooklyn he insisted on opening the car door before getting in himself. I was completely in awe of this unknown display of small-town-gentleman-like behavior. I knew at once that this man was destined for me. Needles to say, that evening after countless of hours of candlelit kissing, I asked him if he would do me the honor of being my boyfriend. Yes, I know, we small town boys are romantic like that! The next morning I couldn’t wait to finally change my status on Facebook to, ‘In a relationship.’

Finally it was here! All those hours of fantasizing about my first love had paid off. I remember those December holidays being wonderful. Total bliss. The summer heat, holidays and my new hunky boyfriend. Now when I was planning my first familiarity with love I had always imagined myself to being cool, calm and collected when it happens. This was not the case. At all! What was really happening was what I’d like to call, ‘newbie overload syndrome.’ I will describe this foreign term now. This phrase takes place when a newbie (what I call people who are new to dating), like myself, is overwhelmed with immense amounts of ecstasy that is generated from love. This complete overload of endorphins causes delirium and makes rational thinking only a mere notion. This irrational thoughts mixed with a naive love-struck teenager and a dash of summer heat results, disaster! But why care? I was in love. After declaring our undying love we moved in together, spent every waking second with each other and even introduced our parents to one and other. This happened over a period of three months. All the while rarely giving any attention to ourselves, our passions or our friends. Our love became suffocating. But who cared? We were in love!

It wasn’t long before the ‘love high’ subsided. The crash to reality was a hard blow. His insecurities troubled me more each day. His bad habits aggravated me. And I frequently cursed at him for leaving his shoes all over our living room floor. I soon realized that things might have moved too fast. I didn’t recognize the guy I was dating and could barely recognize myself. Although I loved him very much, I knew that we were very different. But still, the fighter in me wouldn’t give up and I would make this relationship work and prove both to myself and all those who doubted us wrong. This was a mistake. My relationship then became a chore, an occupation that I disliked.

Soon our once happy relationship became hostile. I became a person that took pleasure of pointing out all of his faults. I would jump at every occasion to show him that he’s not good enough for me and that I deserved better. Fighting became part of our daily routine. I broke up with him almost on a weekly basis threatening to leave. I vaguely remember uttering the words ‘hate’ a few times. It tore him apart. Afterwards the guilt came. I resented myself for hurting such an amazing, caring person. I would then beg him for forgiveness and then promise to be better. Although he forgave me, it never got better. For some reason we both clung to a destructive relationship, hoping to be better. But things had to change...

My first relationship was nothing like I fantasized. Nowadays, with my Facebook status to no avail, bragging being ‘single’ again, I fondly look back at my first relationship. It was a cold reminder of reality.

Although it wasn’t all filled with heartache, I still feel guilty. Not only because of all the things said, but because of not being more patient and allowing myself to enjoy the moments. There are many things I would change about my first encounter with love but like a good friend reminded me after we broke up, “If there is one good thing that came from this, it is that you’ve learned a great amount. And if you didn’t, then you really are an idiot!”

Sucker for spring!

In the midst of winter now officially being a vague memory I thought of sharing one of my most favourite souvenirs of spring. The Brunfelsia pauciflora! Yes, I know you’re all probably asking, what the? It is more commonly known as the ‘Yesterday-today-and-tomorrow.’ With help from my good old friend, Google, I will share a bit more about this striking flowering shrub.

Not only are they stunning to look at, but they are a happy reminder of winter’s absence. This plant only blooms in the springtime and the distinct fragrance that lingers (which is orgasmic to the nose!) is a happy reminder that summer is just lurking around the corner. The name yesterday-today-and-tomorrow is cleverly derived from the flower’s three day existence. With the flowers opening purple (yesterday), then turning pale lavender the next day (today) and then finally white (tomorrow), these short-lived wonders brings great joy to the earth’s dwellers. Although this beautiful plant may feel to many South-Africans as being proudly South-African it is actually Brazil who borrowed us this jewel.

Now, I leave you all with this small task: Go out NOW! wherever you are, whatever you may be doing and go outside, find a Brunfelsia pauciflora, take a whiff and enjoy!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Kryptonite

Currently I am faced with the following obstacle in my life: I have to prepare a two minute radio news broadcast for a radio/drama practical exam. Some people might respond to this as fun and exciting but I only see horror and humiliation. This fear of humiliation is only stressed when I compare myself with many of the drama students in my class. Packed with confidence (and some even with total insanity) they don’t even bat an eye when the insane lecturer yells something horrifying at them. I on the other hand take it all too personally.

Most people who know me would say I am a fairly confident and extroverted person. This might be true but for years I have dreaded anything even remotely similar to public speaking. I once had to address a group of classmates and explain the influence that reality television has on the youth. Fairly confident and nonchalant I prepared my notes informing my fellow group members that I am the perfect candidate to engage with the public. I was wrong! As soon as I got onto the stage and uttered my first few words I saw all those miserable (I pride myself in believing they’re misery was caused by the fact that it was a late Friday class) faces judging me. Then something happened. Unexpectedly my hands started to shake. The more I would try to control the vibration in my limbs, the more I would mess up the next line, which then leads to more vibrating. This cruel circle then continued for another few minutes.


I completely and utterly hate fear. Fear is my kryptonite (this is the fictional and only element used to defeat the undefeatable Super-Man). I have so many aspirations, dreams and goals set out for myself and all of them waiting to be accomplished. This would only happen if I can overlook this suffocating sense of fear. The truth is I would love to be part of a radio station. Being a radio journalist, news reader or even a radio DJ is a job I would absolutely love to pursue thus the uncontrollable panic I have when I think about the practical exam luring behind tomorrow’s To-Do’s.

All of this said, I take pleasure in looking back at many obstacles (and boy I had plenty) I feared before but have overcome and even now, taken for granted. Still, I get butterflies only thinking of my total embarrassment tomorrow.

Kook en geniet

Die gevreesde semestertoetse is om die draai en ek word oorgelaat aan ʼn magdom van sinnelose informasie. Ek staar vir ure lank na die rekenaarskerm en wonder hoe gaan al daardie informasie in my kop kom. Teen my bittere spyte weet ek osmose gaan nie hier intree nie en ek probeer verder leer maar dit sukkel nog.

Die afgelope naweek het ek tussenin al my studietyd (of seker in plaas van studietyd) ʼn nuwe stokperdjie ontdek… bak! Ek moet bieg, vier dae terug het my bak-kennis gestrek tot en met skons en muffins maak. Jy sien (jammer ma), as kind het ek nooit my ma sien bak nie. Sy was bitter sku as dit kom by koek-maak en het altyd vir my haar gunsteling mikrogolfkoek gemaak as ek haar neul vir ʼn soetigheid. Ek onthou ook een jaar, lank gelede het sy ietsie probeer maak spesiaal net vir my. Die half tipe toffie gedoente was potblou met ʼn eienaardige sout agtersmaak. Nie-te-min het ek pouses met almal op die skool gronde gedeel (selfs met my juffrou wat dit vriendelik van die hand gewys het) wat my ma vir my gekweek het.

Met bitter min kennis van hierdie kuns het ek die kombuis ingevaar en alles versier met meelblom en bakpoeier. Ek het allerhande kombinasies (wat selfs Hilda sal laat stik) probeer en lekker gesmul aan my ontwerpe. Hier is ‘n paar van my gunstelinge rariteite:


Maple stroop en Cremora koekies met heerlike koppie boeretroos.


Lekker varsgebakte brood.


Butternut en cinamon brood.

Om te bak is heerlik, maar nou moet ek leer en kombuis skoonmaak (sug!).

I introduce to you...


After seeing a friend’s blog (thank you Elaine for ‘Petticote notes’) I started my first blog, ‘Ashoop praatjies’ which was a collection of all my comment pieces that were either rejected (pffft!) or published in the Beeld. After only a few posts I was thoroughly bitten by the blog bug. I remember sitting in the tub one evening with a glass of wine guided by candlelight, anxiously jotting down ideas for my next blog. I was also recently inspired when reading other blogger’s pages and thought it well to give my own blog a makeover. I now, with much enthusiasm introduce to all, ‘Nostalgic banter.’

Now for all my apprehensive devotees of ‘Ashoop praatjies’ please don’t fear. This surely does not mean the end to all my humorous, cynical Afrikaans posts. It merely means that with ‘Nostalgic banter’ I have the chance to experiment writing in both English and Afrikaans. I am very excited and already have a long list of ideas I want to share. Also being the enthusiastic and aspiring journalist that I am, I’m hoping to be able to provide a wider range of creative effort and thus receiving a greater readership (Yes, I know, I am such a sell out!). I trust the saying; change is as good as a holiday.

Almost every day I stumble across or experience something worth sharing and never fully get the opportunity to do so. My life is filled with love, friends, family, hope, heartbreak, entertaining moments and a lot of anticipation of becoming a successful writer and journalist (someday!). With ‘Nostalgic banter’ I hope to grow as a writer and learn to be more experimental with my writing ability and hopefully by doing this, I will provide memorable stories to all that will follow.
Hope you will enjoy this with me.
Ryno